...odds of religion...

y, but in a fairly short time I had
also begun to notice other oddities. Why, if god was the
creator of all things, were we supposed to "praise" him so
incessantly for doing what came to him naturally? This
seemed servile, apart from anything else. If Jesus could
heal a blind person he happened to meet, then why not heal
blindness ? What was so wonderful about his casting out
devils, so that the devils would enter a herd of pigs instead?
That seemed sinister: more like black magic. With all this
continual prayer, why no result? Why did I have to keep
saying, in public, that I was a miserable sinner? Why was
the subject of sex considered so toxic? These faltering and
childish objections are, I have since discovered, extremely
commonplace, partly because no religion can meet them
with any satisfactory answer. But another, larger one also
presented itself. (I say "presented itself" rather than
"occurred to me" because these objections are, as well as
insuperable, inescapable.) The headmaster, who led the
daily services and prayers and held the Book, and was a bit
of a sadist and a closeted homosexual (and whom I have
long since forgiven because he ignited my interest in
history and lent me my first copy of P. G. Wodehouse),
was giving a no-nonsense talk to some of us one evening.
"You may not see the point of all this faith now," he said.
"But you will one day, when you start to lose loved ones."
Again, I experienced a stab of sheer indignation as well as

... don't know what to call it...

So that's how it goes...
I am with her and happy...Having courage and strength to do do anything that it takes. We're both happy. We make new promises and strengthen old ones. The whole world seems like everything is wonderful...
Then, there comes a moment when I loose it all... my moment of loosing is when I'm driven by an energy that demands from me of pleasure and be physically engaged intimately. My partner isn't willing and I simply don't stop doing anything I'm engaged with...
I thought one should have it if it becomes a need that can't be avoided without a harm... But it is also causing me my love if I simply force...
I settle down thinking I never understand her point of view. This is a bad feeling. Can't I just listen to, and do as expected in the best interest of both of us... maybe I'm reaching there...

That man on a bicycle

... when i come out of my house everyday I notice people on the road...
My mind goes back to the old and traditional way of "analyzing" (actually it might be judgement) their situation and what might be going on in their minds.
I normally do so...

Today when I was waiting at the signal for my friend to come and pick me up for a drop to my office, I saw this rather older man on a bicycle. He had (may be his best clothes) a shirt tugged into his pants. He was trying to go faster maybe but at the same time he was alert if vehicle approaches. May be he was happy also this morning. (May be a little happiness with the little that he may have...) He was on a bicycle though...
Then a car (new baleno with urban blue colour) honks nearby...It was my friend. I sunk into the front seat, with my glasses on, a nice song from passenger... and we went away... but I was thinking. Now my day gets over... n I thought of putting it here...

...what you do when...

Well I've been thinking lately that one can have a thousands of reasons to do what s/he does...
but what you do when...

-you think the things are fine now but suddenly someone proves it all other way around?
-you are doing all that you can, with all your strength, and it reaches nowhere close to the heart or mind of the other person?
-you get to hear all loving things and yet find them calculating the love to measure whether it weighs"appropriate" or not?
-you are provoked enough to be on the verge of deciding either to drop or continue a relationship?

-what you think you're doing if continuing in a relationship (no matter what) or vice versa?
... going through something like that...!😂

...moving still...(in a wrong direction?🤔)

Chose a way despite of the experiences of such roads, and pathways which have the storms all through and confused travelers themselves and the people of 'maybe yes maybe not' mentality.

They bring me to verge of deciding to divert and pickup on the highway, but then the hope of struggling through and making it till the end with the same passenger brings me back on this way again.

I have no idea how long and till what stop this passenger travels through these struggles with me. I feel sad if this passenger de boards and hits other highway, I'll be left alone. Then, may be these storms and struggles may not matter to me at all. They only have a meaning till my co-passenger travels with me.
But it leaves me in pain... again...!

I think in my head 'just be a co-passenger only so that when people come and go to their destinations (as it seems everyone is destined towards something or the other) you know only one thing... they're only the passengers and taking their journey's via different places.

Why try to make someone's destination as to reach you? Unless someone wants to travel with you because they've decided so.
You don't want to travel alone, especially when it's the only passenger you are traveling with.
In all this, the willingness of the other passenger is the most precious.

             ****

Well, last night I couldn't sleep
I got up and started walking
Down to the end of my street
And on into town

Well I had no one to meet
And I had no taste for talking
Seems I'm talking my whole life
It's time I listen now

Well I walk passed the late night boys
With their bottles in their doorways
And I walk passed the business men
Sleeping like babies in their cars
And I thought to myself, "Oh, son
You may be lost in more ways than one"
But I've a feeling that it's more fun
Than knowing exactly where you are

Like a stone
Carried on the river
Like a boat
Sailing on the sea
I'll keep on walking
Oh, I'll keep on walking
Until I find that love or that love comes to find me

             *****

Me (these days)

I'm thinking all the time these days. Things seem too difficult, close to impossible. At the same time there are people who expect from me to do everything like a super human. I'm not the one and so I am a good reason for their disappointment. There's love in my life too...But again ... with conditions😂 she keeps trying for us to stay in her own way though...
So...Living it these days with odds and evens of life. But most of the times... it kills me and I'm able to still challenge it...I wouldn't be what things are trying me to be... and I would prefer to look at the things in a different manner...
... I'm living it...😇

Head girl

Hey everybody !
I'm Janku and I'm here of course to ask you if it would be of some help to all of us if I'm voted as head school girl. Three questions that ran through my mind with the thought of head school girl.
1. What is head girl concept? What role is it of the one appointed?
I think it's more of a bridge between teachers/management and the students. The one who available internal and external matters as the face representative on behalf of the school. (Put more flesh here in your speech janku)
2. What would it mean to me?
I needed one such mediator always and I'm sure we all do. Let me tell you at the end when I leave the school I'll have the memories when I could be of some help to somebody and it worked. Above all I'll have a pride / satisfaction of contribution back to where I belong, here.

3. Why me?
Well...
One that I can think of now, is that I'm "ready & willing". Two, both school (teachers and management) and the students go through a lot (misunderstood efforts of each other at times). Let me just be that link to this chain that keeps connected direct or indirect to all the links, empowers them to be leaders and passes on that fire within.

Can I do that? Well I know that I can if you're willing to contribute your bit. I want myself to be more a receptive human and respond to you, and be available.
I know this is a critical position to be in but I'm willing to be that pleasant assistant/facilitator to my dear teachers and a person with always listening ears available to all my fellow mates.

All need to be dealt a little beyond than just the academics...Because I read a quote from someone (or you can say "from Don Bosco a friend of youth" - you decide): "Education is Relationship", "Education is of Heart". I feel responsible to bring ourselves close to it if not 100%
Focus is the nourishment of the emotional being.
Now I'm feeling sleepy janku...

What parents and others are expecting

All my life till now (I'm 34 running) I've had an opinion about myself. Doing what I want to do, and doing so I thought it's "right" to follow your heart. Well...! Following your heart may be a great idea for some. But in my case it seems a lot of people are paying for my freedom of thought and actions. I today feel accountable to them all.
They said one thing that made me to think more intensely that "though you're a boy but you aren't behaving like one when you run away from your responsibilities." It makes me to think.
They also brought an example of a boy in the neighborhood who started earning low in the beginning but is daring now to contribute good enough that my parents can't expect from me within six months or so.
Makes me to think again.
Thay said they're worried about my marriage as I'm getting older year by year. My argument was that I'm ready to get married but not with the compromise but with an appropriate person, and if I find no one such I can remain single. It disturbed them.

Emo parlour says...

...your emotional intelligence is the foundation for a host of critical skills—it impacts most everything you do and say each day.
... everything is 'sound' if you're emotionally sound...{that you don't get carried away with this energy called "emotion", rather, you're able to enjoy (stay in it for a while, breathe-in and take time to respond) be it any emotion}
... above all be happy that you're emotional coz it's a natural endowment... so I feel blessed when people say that you're emotional...😇

when i was in pithoragarh, i thought...

I sit here today looking at the Lights in the houses, on the streets coming up one after the other... houses located encircling the little field down there... and so are the encircling roads in here... cars moving seems like blood viens to this small. Mountains all around standing tall and wide...
I started to think as I sit alone on this rooftop that...
-life is too short to explore more and more in this world
-its people, places, nature, music and food that makes you fall in love genuinely
-but nothing better than having your beloved by your side (as I see my people so happy and free - Dimpy and Shobhu) I love the way they relate to each other ...full of life
-no matter what life has on the other side (worries, tensions, sadness or anger) enjoy this moment because it is never ever gonna repeat itself... even if you come again...
-Love someone madly...like crazy... thats all you can offer to people... nothing otherwise has brought you in the world while you were born, nothing other than love is that you can carry or leave with people when you go away
-if you have loved that's enough... even though we all need to be loved too, but it's fine because you did... and if you didn't get it in return it maybe because they couldn't get you through their mind... they found it difficult to container so much love... and maybe it didn't belong to them...but you love...don't hold it back...

And finally...I think...
I'm here today and tomorrow... then I'll be somewhere else...It is amazing...Carry in the best that you can... Love...For people, places, nature, music and food...

I've never seen a lazy man...

I’ve never seen a lazy man;
I’ve seen a man who never ran
while I watched him, and I’ve seen
a man who sometimes slept between
lunch and dinner, and who’d stay
at home upon a rainy day,
but he was not a lazy man.
Before you call me crazy,
think, was he a lazy man or
did he just do things we label “lazy”?

I’ve never seen a stupid kid;
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did
things I didn’t understand
or things in ways I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen
the same places where I had been,
but he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid,
think, was he a stupid kid or did he
just know different things than you did?

I’ve looked as hard as I can look
but never ever seen a cook;
I saw a person who combined
ingredients on which we dined,
A person who turned on the heat
and watched the stove that cook the meat –
I saw those things but not a cook.
Tell me when you’re looking,
is it a cook you see or is it someone
doing things that we call cooking?

What some of us call lazy
some call tired or easy-going,
what some of us call stupid
some just call a different knowing,
so I’ve come to the conclusion,
it will save us all confusion
if we don’t mix up what we can see
with what is our opinion.
Because you may, I want to say also;
I know that’s only my opinion.

By Ruth Bebermeyer

Said it exactly as it is now...!

A silent tear
An empty smile,
So insincerely, but so gently in denial
And me the thief
So selfishly
All the moments meant for you, I made them mine

How was I, so blind to miss you, crumbling inside?
Is it too late now to fix you? Let me make it right!
'Cause there'll be no sun on Sunday
No reason for words to rhyme
'Cause if you're bleeding, so am I

A wishful look
A hesitate,
You're hoping I will notice that you're not OK
And me a fool
You turn away
It's only then I feel the weight of my mistakes

How was I, so blind to miss you, crumbling inside?
Is it too late now to fix you? Let me make it right
'Cause there'll be no sun on Sunday
No reason for words to rhyme
'Cause if you're bleeding, so am I

And if I cut you
If I bruise you
Then the scars are always mine
'Cause I love you
So to lose you
Would be worse than if I died

How was I, so blind to miss you, crumbling inside?
Is it too late now to fix you? Let me make it right
'Cause there'll be no sun on Sunday
No reason for words to rhyme
'Cause if you're bleeding, so am I

Sun on Sunday...Song by James Blunt

Rolling Stones

Sometimes I feel I’m going nowhere
Sometimes I’m sure I never will
She said it’s ‘cos I’m always moving
I never notice ‘cos I never stand still

Sometimes I feel like I’m falling
Falling fast and falling free
She said my darling you’re not falling
Always looked like you were flying to me

But I fear I’ve grown a rolling stone inside of me
She said oh don’t you know
The rolling stones stop at the sea
And that’s where I’ll be

Sometimes I’m sure I know no one
A thousand faces but no names
She said my love you do know someone
Oh and i know you back just the same

But I’m scared I said, what if this stone don’t slow down
Oh just be aware she said
What goes up will come down
And when you do I’ll be around

Oh when I’ve dragged this rolling stone across this land
I’ll make sure I leave this stone in her hand
For we both know too well the rolling stones turn in to sand
If they don’t find a place to stand

Home-passenger

"Home"

They say home is where the heart is
But my heart is wild and free
So am I homeless or just heartless
Did I start this, did it start me
They say fear is for the brave
For cowards never stare it in the eye
So am I fearless to be fearful
Does it take courage to learn how to cry

So many winding roads
So many miles to go

They say love is for the loving
And without love maybe nothing is real
So am I loveless do I just love less
Oh since love left I've nothing left to feel

So many winding roads
So many miles to go

When I start feeling sick of it all
It helps to remember I'm a brick in the wall
That runs down from the hillside to the sea
And when I start feeling that it's gone to far
I lie on my back and stare up at the stars
And wonder if they're staring back at me

When I start feeling sick of it all
It helps to remember I'm a brick in the wall
That runs down from the hillside to the sea
Yeah when I start feeling that it's gone to far
I lie on my back and stare up at the stars
And wonder if they're staring back at me

Oh when I start feeling sick of it all
It helps to remember I'm a brick in the wall
That runs down from the hillside to the sea
Yeah when I start feeling that it's gone to far
I lie on my back and stare up at the stars
And wonder if they're staring back at me

Oh when I start feeling sick of it all
It helps to remember I'm a brick in the wall
That runs down from the hillside to the sea
Oh when I start feeling that it's gone to far
I lie on my back and stare up at the stars
And wonder if they're staring back at me

Everything

When you got nothing
Freewheeling and free falling you go
When you've got nothing you've got something to prove
Then you get something
Something that you've always dreamed about

When you've got something you've got something to lose
They'll take everything
They'll take your spark they'll take everything
They'll break your heart they'll take everything
Ahh 'cause nothings ever something
Until you lose everything
For a while you've got everything
You're flying high you don't wanna come down
But something stirs down in your soul 'cause everything is nothing 'til you've got
Somebody to share it with
Somebody to have somebody to hold
Give them everything
Give them light and dark give them everything
Give them all your heart give them everything
Yeah 'cause nothings ever something
Until you give everything

'Cause nothing lasts forever
Yeah but some things they never change
You know that anything is better
If you've got love, you've got everything
You've got everything
Ahh everything
Ahh everything
Ahh everything
Yeah 'cause nothing's ever something
Until you give everything

शायद

ख़त्म सी हो गई है उम्मीद और थक के हार से गया हूँ अब । शायद यही हो सकता था हर कोशिश के बाद।

अब और क्या करूँगा मैं, ज़िन्दगी को एक नया रूख़ मिलेगा तेरे चले जाने के बाद, शायद।

देखेंगे अगर आगये काम किसी के तो, वरना कुछ तो कर ही गुज़रेंगे हम भी, बेहतर भी शायद।

कैसे ख़ारिज कर दिया तूने मेरी हर कोशिश को, और नाकाम रह कर मैं बस लिख ही सका दर्द बयां करने में, शायद।

शायद ऐसा भी हो सकता है कि तुझे तरस आये मुझ पर, और शायद ये भी हो कि तूने और ज़्यादा कोशिश की उम्मीद की थी मुझसे, शायद।

your originality is all you can be !

I am a procrastinator. I do things almost in the end moments and that's when I feel so engaged and engrossed in the work. It may not work for you. I don't know good or bad about it but I know one thing that, "... this is me" and let me put it this way